I can’t figure out how to use my new &%%#$#^ phone!

I just entered the high tech world of 2006 and got myself a smart phone. I have previously only used the old school cell phones, so this is a big change for me.

I have no idea what the hell I am doing and I feel like a tremendous old fart. Every time it makes a sound, I shout “What do you want from me?!”

Someone hold me.